Coming Back for More

Mark and I discussed how much time we used to spend on hanging out, technically referred to as unstructured face-to-face time. In my 20s, it was practically every day. As soon as I finished working, I’d go to my friend Nadav’s apartment on St. Marks Place, and others would trickle in one by one.

At first, I thought it was a function of age; especially once we have children, we become overwhelmed by responsibilities, and free time to hang out all but disappears. However, I noticed that younger people are not hanging out either. If they do socialize, it’s structured.

Some theorists say the shortage of unstructured face-to-face time is making people socially risk-averse. It’s probably not the sole cause, but it’s likely one of them.

My social environment in college was highly unusual: fine arts students generally accept the risks of exposing their deepest thoughts and feelings. Some students even ran out of class in tears over harsh critiques, yet none of us blamed the teachers; that intensity was exactly what we’d signed up for. It was obvious: no pain, no gain. Even if a “safe space” had existed, we’d have avoided it, assuming “safe” meant no growth or learning.

Risk and authenticity are two sides of the same coin, yet the digital world, complete with its undo button, tempts us to cherry-pick authenticity alone. We cannot have authenticity without accepting the risks that come with it, but we have come to expect, or even demand, risk-free authenticity. It should not come as a surprise that everyone is craving “authenticity”; it feels mythical because authenticity without risk is indeed a myth.

Almost every time I meet Mark, we discuss photography and then move on to deeply personal issues. I know the risk is there, and I believe he does, too, but we are willing to take it. We’ve annoyed and insulted each other, but we come back for some more. If you embrace that risk, authenticity isn’t hard to find, but you won’t find it online no matter how authentic some celebrities, influencers, or politicians may appear because you are not taking any risks. They offer only the fantasy of authenticity.