Against the Grain

When I was a fourth grader in Japan, our teacher asked the class whether we should have organized activities during recess that included everyone. I objected, suggesting something to the effect of “We should have some free time to ourselves.” To my surprise, I was the only student who disagreed. I realize now that her question was rhetorical; a good student should have understood the expected answer. Without giving us any time to discuss, the teacher proceeded to exclude me alone and organized activities for everyone else. With nobody to play with, I watched them from afar.

Incidents like these were common in my childhood and continued into adulthood. People are expected to quickly “get” the correct emotional response and take sides, a crucial “skill” of socialization. Much of interpersonal trust is built on this, making me seem unpredictable and unapproachable to the average person. I’ve always wished, “If only they could give me some time to explain myself,” but most people lack such curiosity and stick to familiar types.

Despite my fear of being trapped, I’ve always fantasized about being stuck in an elevator with someone, the more unlikely the match, the better—be it a Walmart cashier or a white supremacist. In high school, I liked the film The Breakfast Club for this reason.

From my perspective, most people are unpredictable and scary because they tend to gang up on me for no discernible reason. Such childhood experiences have had a profound impact; to this day, people ganging up causes me to panic. Because they bond over feelings, they are not open to listening to my explanations. Even if I’m right, their feelings won’t change. It’s game over. I’m a pariah, left to play by myself.

But it’s not all bad. Most of my good friends today know how to set aside their feelings so I can openly disagree without the fear of losing them, which allows me to connect deeper. I don’t have to worry about inadvertently hurting their feelings and falling out. Growing up, however, it was a lonely way to be. So, I’d like to say to the younger people like me, “Hang in there. You’ll be more than fine.”