Departure

I like that the restaurants here have so many seats for solo customers. I wish New York was friendlier for solo diners.

From what I’ve seen, ramen shops cater mostly to solo customers.

But I noticed a lot of people sitting alone in cafes and restaurants too. Looked odd because we don’t see that often in New York.

You’re right. And, all the couples look like they are on a date.

Haha, that’s true too.

What time do we have to head to the airport?

Let me check.

According to Google Maps, we have to leave here around five-thirty, which will give us more than three hours at the airport.

Did you have anything else you wanted to do?

No, I think we got gifts for everyone.

What about for the flight? Do we need anything?

I don’t think so. Haneda has lots of stores. So, I’m sure we can find whatever we need, if we forgot something.

I wanted to go to that craft supply shop but we never got around to it.

We could have gone there this morning. Why didn’t you say something?

You wanted to go to the camera store.

But I asked you what you wanted to do. You didn’t say anything.

Because I thought you had your mind set on that camera store.

No. If you wanted to go to that craft shop, I would have gone there. I just wanted to see what they had. I didn’t need anything. You need to speak up if you want something.

I thought I made it clear I wanted to go to that shop at some point.

You did mention it, but it shouldn’t be my job to plan everything.

...

I’m not always sure where my wish fits into your plan.

Why is it my plan? This trip was our plan.

Never mind. I don’t wanna argue here.

I don’t think anyone here will understand what we are saying.

I’m not your boss. I make conscious efforts to weigh our wishes equally. You don’t feel that way?

I don’t know. To be honest, no, I don’t feel that way.

If I were to be honest about my feelings, I feel like I have to make decisions for us because you wouldn’t. Not because I want to make all the decisions.

My wishes aren’t always so clear like you might feel about yours. I don’t know if I’m imposing something unreasonable or being selfish. You don’t seem to be conflicted by that.

If we kept doubting our own wishes, we’d never do anything. We’d just stay home wondering whose wish is more important. At least we do something when I make decisions.

If you are such a great decision maker, why do we feel like being carried away by the river? We are not 20-somethings anymore. What are we doing? Do you have any idea where we might be in ten years?

We’re doing fine. We are not broke. We have jobs, and we can travel and have fun. What else do you want?

Is that really how you feel?

Yeah. Why not? I’m not expecting life to have a deep meaning.

Then, why do you bother with photography? Isn’t that just a waste of time and money?

It’s just fun. That’s all. It’s like your miniature houses. Why does it have to mean something bigger?

Do you really believe that life is about fun and nothing more? So, taking photos is essentially like jerking off to you? You don’t see anything deeper?

Not really.

Then you are not the person I thought I married. I thought you were after something more than just fun.

I don’t think you are being honest with yourself. I think you are too scared to admit...

That’s yours. That’s tonkotsu.

So, what am I scared of?

Failure.

Failure to achieve what? I don’t wanna achieve anything. I just wanna live comfortably.

I don’t think that’s true. If that were true, I wouldn’t have been drawn to you. You don’t just take pictures of naked girls. You are going after something you don’t even know.

How about your miniatures? What are you going after? Aren’t you just having fun making tiny homes? Do they mean anything?

I don’t know. That’s why I do them. I want to know.

Did you always make them as a child?

Yeah, I’ve always liked to craft and make my own living space.

Did you play with dolls?

Not really. They weren’t for the dolls. They were for me. I imagined a space I wanted to live in.

You didn’t like the space you were in?

I don’t think it was about escaping. I liked my own room.

Your miniatures are usually very homely, like you are designing a set for Little House on the Prairie. Do you secretly wish you lived a traditional family life?

No. Don’t psychoanalyze me. I just find them cute.

But you are the one who thinks there is a deeper meaning to what we make.

...

But that’s so superficial, like I just want to be a housewife? That’s not meaningful to me.

What’s meaningful to you then?

I told you; I don’t know. That’s what drives what I do: I want to know.

But what if what you want is actually superficial and meaningless? What makes you feel sure that that’s not it?

Do you even know me? I consider myself a feminist. You’re insulting me.

...

But do you think having a child is superficial?

No. Even though I don’t want any kids, if we were to have one, I would not be a housewife.

I wouldn’t expect that either. But honestly, do you have a wish to have a child? I’m asking because I don’t know what secret wishes you have.

I hate that people assume that about women my age. Like, we are secretly desperate to have children because the biological clock is ticking. There’s no way to win. No matter how valid my reasons are, you can always say I’m just rationalizing.

Well, good. Because we certainly are not ready for that.

What do you mean by “ready”?

Financially. We barely managed to save for this trip. If we were to have a child, we couldn’t afford to be doing this.

I don’t think that’s true. If we wanted to, we would just do it.

I don’t wanna have a child we cannot feed. That’s irresponsible. Besides, I think it’s irresponsible to bring a kid into a world this fucked up.

...

You should try this.

What is it?

White pepper. It’s their default pepper. Honestly, I think it should be our default too. It’s much better.

We probably shouldn’t have gotten married. I think I got my parents’ hopes up.

They pressure you to have a kid?

Not overtly, but I can sense it in the little things they say. Like the other day, my mom casually mentioned this article about IVF not being reliable.

I guess parents can’t help it.

...

Why did we get married anyway? That was a silly thing to do.

Because it seemed like a fun thing to do. And, it was fun.

Wait. Whose idea was it?

It was Dave’s. You don’t remember? We were talking about gay marriage. How marriage seems much more important these days for gays.

Vaguely remember that conversation. We were pretty drunk.

Yeah. It was a brunch with bottomless drinks in Tribeca. We wanted to prove how meaningless marriage was.

Is it? Or, rather, was it?

Obviously.

What’s so obvious?

That we just went to city hall drunk to get married. No plan. No discussion. No thinking.

I’m not sure if that’s the truth. Maybe you wouldn’t have done it if you had thought about it.

You mean it meant something deeper for you?

I don’t know, but possible.

...

Maybe we do things because we wish everything didn’t feel so meaningless.

...

At least it meant something negative for Maryanne. She was in love with you. I think it devastated her. I saw the despair on her face at city hall.

I didn’t notice but I do feel bad for her. There was no chemistry for me. What can I do? Yeah, she totally disappeared from our circle after that. I have no idea how she is now.

What happened between you two? Did you ever sleep with her?

We did. And, that was a mistake. But I thought maybe I’d feel differently about her if I did. But nothing changed afterward. I actually thought she was perfect for me.

Yeah, you two did seem perfect for each other. Our friends are probably still wondering what we saw in each other.

I don’t know. Do you?

That’s a reassuring question.

But seriously. Do you have an answer?

I guess not.

...

If marriage is totally meaningless to you, can you just as casually divorce me?

I guess I could.

That doesn’t feel good to hear.

I don’t mean we break up. Just legally.

But then what’s so meaningful about staying together? Is it just “fun” to be with me? Wouldn’t it be more fun to sleep with any woman you want? Dave certainly seems to have a lot of fun.

I guess we wouldn’t know unless we actually break up.

Is that true? Do we really need to break up to know?

Whatever answer I have for you will be unconvincing to you anyway.

...

What would “breaking up” look like? Do we never talk to each other? Do we fade out from each other’s lives like Maryanne did?

We don’t have to go that far. We could still be friends.

You mean we just stop having sex?

And, living together.

So, our relationship is about sex and a shared apartment?

I don’t know. You tell me.

What if we did the opposite? We live together and have sex but we don’t talk to each other.

That sounds pretty bad. Are you suggesting that we actually break up?

You said the only way we know is to actually break up. I’m wondering if that’s true.

...

Where does that leave us? We seem to get along fine. Better than most couples. Do we just throw it away out of curiosity?

...

Do you think you can find a deeper meaning in life if we broke up?

I guess either way, you’ll learn something. But what comes after that?

Don’t leave any broth. That’s supposed to be disrespectful to the chef.

Nobody talks on the subway.

I think it’s considered rude.

Are we being rude?

I think it’s fine as long as we are not loud.

I feel a constant gaze, like we’re doing something wrong no matter what situation we’re in.

Like what?

Like, we might be walking on the wrong side. Too slow. Too fast. Or, even standing on the wrong side, like on the escalator. I feel like everyone silently agrees about correct behaviors, and we are bumbling along clueless.

What could they expect from us? We don’t know what we don’t know. If they want us to follow their rules, they need to tell us. It’s not our responsibility to read their minds.

But they didn’t ask us to come here.

Japan needs tourists. Their economy isn’t doing so great.

...

Let’s move in a bit. I think they’ll be getting off.

Relax. They’ll tell us if they need us to.

...

When did you first meet Maryanne?

Umm... I think third grade.

Wow. I didn’t realize it was that long. I thought you met her in high school. You guys were good friends?

Yeah, our moms were good friends, so we grew up like we were siblings.

So, she probably knows you better than anyone.

I suppose, as far as factual information is concerned.

Must be much more than that. Like your preferences, how you think, how you’d react or respond to something. She must be able to predict what you’d say about something.

Probably true.

You don’t miss her?

Not really.

That’s weird. You don’t miss someone who understands you so well that she can finish your sentence. I don’t really know someone like that.

You don’t think I know you?

You know me the best, but sometimes I feel like you don’t know me at all.

What do you want me to know about you?

...

Do we need to transfer?

No. This goes to Terminal 3.

I don’t get it. You guys spent so much time together and got along so well. Did you guys ever fight, or have a big disagreement?

...

If we did, I wouldn’t have known about it. I don’t think she would’ve confronted me.

I feel sad for her. If I were her, I would be devastated.

But what do you want me to do?

Maybe you didn’t really understand her. Maybe you should’ve put more effort. What were your conversations with her like?

I don’t know. I think it’s just normal conversations between friends.

What is “normal” to you? Do we have normal conversations?

I guess it’s not normal but I don’t think it’s abnormal.

You never talked to her after we got married?

Umm... We did briefly. She had borrowed my lens, and I went to pick it up. I think that was the last time I saw her.

What was it like?

She came to the door and handed me the lens. That’s all.

Did she seem sad?

Maybe. But you make it sound like I did something wrong. There was nothing I could’ve done. Do you want me to break up with you and go back to her, or something? What are you trying to get at?

Step aside. He is trying to get by you.

Do you want me to hold that for you?

No, it’s fine.

I’m not sure if you’re better off with me. She is smart, pretty, and kind.

I don’t know. Maybe you should marry her.

Are you annoyed that I’m asking you these questions?

Umm... Maybe. Because I don’t know what you are trying to get at. I think it just comes down to whether you are happy with me or not. I’m not sure why we have to think about all this stuff.

Are you happy with me?

Generally, yes.

“Generally”? Are you happy now?

Well, this is certainly not the happiest moment of my life.

Why not?

Because I don’t particularly find this conversation interesting.

OK. Then, we stop.

OK. Good.

So, what do you want to talk about that’s so interesting to you?

I think we should stop talking for a bit.

...

I often have nightmares about forgetting the passport. Not sure where that comes from. I’ve never forgotten my passport.

Don’t worry. I have yours right here. Do you want to carry it?

No.

Do you wanna go check out the stores?

Maybe later. Let’s sit here for a bit and watch people.

OK.

You know, you were saying earlier that most people looked like they were on a date. Here, none of them do. They all look like they’ve been together for too long.

Yeah, like that one. He is trying to manage her mood and it’s not working. And, that one’s not even trying.

How do you know?

You see how she is locked onto him? I don’t even need to know what she is saying.

Is that how you see me?

Sometimes.

...

Who’s calling? Isn’t it like the middle of the night?

It’s my mom.

Hey mom, what’s up?

...

Yeah, it’s evening here. It’s OK.

...

Wait. What?

...

How is that possible?

...

Vascular what?

...

When did this happen?

...

How long had she known?

...

I’m OK. We are about to get on the plane. I’ll get in touch with Vince as soon as we land.

Bye mom.

Speak to you soon.

What was that? What happened?

Maryanne.

Died.

Wait what?! Maryanne?

Yeah.

But how?

Vascular something, she said. Apparently genetic and her mom died from it. I had no idea.

Are you OK?

What made you bring her up this afternoon?

I just did.

I don’t know what this means.

How are you feeling?

...

Take a big breath.

...

It’s OK. I’m here. Look at me.

...

Paul!

...

He is OK. He just got the news that his good friend died.

Could you help me get him back up on the chair?

Is there a private room we can rest in? I don’t want to alarm everyone here.

Thank you.

Paul, can you walk?

How are you feeling? Can you talk?

It’s OK. I’m here. I love you. It’s OK if we miss the flight.

Don’t worry. Don’t hold back. Just let it out. Nobody can hear you.

Paul, they are boarding our group. Do you feel ready to go?

OK. Don’t worry, I’ll carry that.

Here’s his passport.

Here’s mine.

Thank you for helping us. You’ve been very kind.

Ready, Paul?