Why Is It So Hard to Change Someone’s Mind?

In today’s polarized political climate, this question feels more urgent than ever. Abortion, climate change, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict—on every contentious issue, both sides seem only to dig deeper into their trenches. Any hope of meaningful engagement seems lost in the digital ether. The irony is, if those same people met face-to-face, they’d likely agree that hurling insults accomplishes nothing. Yet, in the realm of online discourse, civility appears to have vanished.

In the heat of an argument, the topic at hand often becomes irrelevant. When we feel attacked, our ego kicks in, and winning the argument takes precedence over discovering any semblance of “truth.” A perceptive opponent might call this out: “It seems like you’re more focused on winning than finding the answer.” This kind of observation hints at something deeper—a psychoanalytic approach to debate, one that questions the motivations. It directly addresses relevance but is only effective if the other person is willing to introspect. We don’t like having our inner motivations analyzed.

But what are the alternatives? If the goal is simply to win, the debate could continue indefinitely. After all, we can rationalize almost anything if we try hard enough. On trivial matters, your opponent might eventually give up, letting you have the last word. But what about issues that require resolution?

Changing your mind will inevitably be painful once your position is tied to your identity. Shifting your perspective means dismantling a piece of yourself. Psychoanalytic transformation is required to truly alter your beliefs, but that kind of change is painful. We resist it, even while expecting others to face their own discomfort.

If we recognize this double standard, perhaps we could approach each other with more respect. For the debates that define us, we must accept that pain is inevitable. If we’re not willing to feel it, maybe we should reconsider engaging at all. Put another way, it’s the pain that tells us how meaningful the change was, but unfortunately, it’s a battle most of us aren’t prepared for, realizing only when the pain finally hits us.