How Racists Are Coping With Coronavirus

Coronavirus is giving me a good incentive to cook at home more. A few boxes of surgical masks have been sitting around in my closet for nearly a decade, but wearing it would be like inviting a racist to punch me in the face, so I’m not sure if I ever will have the opportunity to use it.

But the virus is quickly spreading beyond Asian countries, so I checked out a racist discussion board to see how racists are coping with the rapidly developing situation. Here is an exchange I came across:

Brad: Beating up the Chinese was easy because they look different, but now that the virus has spread to Italy, how do we figure out who’s Italian?

Kevin: Well, start with pizzerias, like Domino’s delivery guys.

B: Oh, yeah, good idea. Pizza Hut too.

K: I think Quizno’s is Italian too. How about Papa John’s?

B: “Papa” sounds Italian, but I don’t think “Jones” is.

K: OK. It’s too complicated. Let’s just start with Domino’s.

Tim: Hey guys. This just in: 1,204 people are infected in Spain.

B: Damn. I didn’t think this virus could jump from colored to whites. What should we do, Kevin?

K: Easy. Just beat up anyone speaking Spanish.

B: Oh, yeah, you’re smart, of course. They got their own language.

Tim: Guys, France now has 1,126 cases.

B: I got this one: Beat up anyone speaking French, or anyone with that condescending accent.

K: Yeah, you are getting the hang of this.

Tim: Germany, 1,112 cases.

K: The same thing; we beat up anyone speaking German or with that cocky accent.

B: But how do we find them?

K: We go into the city. Hang around the train station. Listen close. If they sound Spanish, French, or German, or if they are delivering pizza, we beat them up. BUT whatever you do, don’t shake their hands. That’s how you get the virus.

Tim: The US now has 687 cases.

B: What do we do, Kev? American isn’t a language.

K: Yeah, that’s a tough one.

B: Can we tell who’s American just by the look?

K: Not really... Wait. The only thing is that Asians don’t look American.

B: I got it: Why don’t we beat up anyone who doesn’t look Asian?