Is it still true that “cooler heads prevail”? In the past, cooler heads prevailed because they were more productive, efficient, predictable, and consistent. These qualities were especially valuable for assembly-line jobs. This is why, I believe, our society frowns upon public displays of emotion. We are deemed “unprofessional” if we cry or yell at work. However, now that most jobs benefiting cooler heads have been replaced by robots, we should rethink the roles of our emotions in business.
First, I want to establish the difference between controlling and self-regulating emotions. When we use the word “control,” we generally mean a deliberate, conscious act. Our thoughts must moderate our behavior. In contrast, I use the term “self-regulation” to mean automatic, mostly unconscious moderation of behavior. For instance, most people naturally stop eating once they feel full. They do not need to consciously intervene; it’s automatic and self-regulating. Overeaters lack this self-regulating mechanism and have to consciously control their eating habits. The same is true for alcoholics and drug addicts.
Many addicts have an “all or nothing” attitude. Alcoholics are either drunk all the time or completely sober. If they even have a sip of wine during their sober period, they beat themselves up. I believe some people are genetically predisposed to extreme behaviors and have no choice but to employ these coping mechanisms. However, being sober all the time shouldn’t be considered an ideal goal. Whether drunk or sober, if you must resort to extremity, you still exhibit addictive behavior.
When you apply the same concept to our emotions, it becomes clear that controlling our emotions is not desirable. Ultimately, we want our emotions to be self-regulating. If you aspire to be coolheaded (since your aspiration is conscious), you would be working on controlling your emotions, not on self-regulating. This is true for parenting too. Trying to control your children’s emotions does not teach them to self-regulate. Teaching by example is probably the most effective method for self-regulation.
When someone is controlling (not self-regulating) their emotions, it is relatively obvious. For instance, if you start talking about a subject that makes them uncomfortable, they will either shut down or specifically tell you they don’t want to discuss it. This is an attempt to consciously control their own emotions because they feel their behavior would be too damaging otherwise. Their emotions are not self-regulating, much like how alcoholics have to consciously stop themselves from drinking.
The mistake many people make is that they keep controlling their emotions and therefore never learn to self-regulate. Consciously focusing on our feelings “amplifies, magnifies, and distorts” our emotions. When you try to control your emotions, you are training your executive functions (specifically the prefrontal cortex). What you ultimately want is for the emotional part of your brain to self-regulate without your executive functions intervening.
We typically think an emotionally mature person is someone who can stay calm in any situation. This is why we aspire to be coolheaded, but consciously mimicking their outward behavior does not reproduce what allows them to stay calm. You would be reversing the cause and effect. The big difference is that an emotionally mature person is not consciously trying to be calm, just as most people are not trying hard to stop themselves from drinking alcohol in the middle of the day or from using heroin.
To grow emotionally, we must allow ourselves to express our emotions without conscious intervention. We need to stop regarding our emotions as something dirty or undesirable. Even anger and sadness exist for a reason. We need to allow ourselves to express them. Expressing them without consciously focusing on them would probably make them less harmful, as we would not be amplifying them.
Our desire to control anything is ultimately driven by fear. By controlling our emotions, we give in to fear. Being able to control is not a sign of maturity. A better sign of maturity is the ability to accept, not control. When a cool-headed person calmly shuts down, avoiding potentially emotional situations, they neither accept nor confront their emotions. Their primary concern is to maintain the cool facade. This does not lead to growth because they are not learning anything from it. It’s like sitting by the side of the pool, never jumping in the water.
Some people use art to sublimate their emotions, but without understanding what controlling does to their emotions, they would repeat the same mistake in making art. Since their ideal is controlling their emotions, they pursue the same ideal in art. Their art then becomes a predictable product of their thought process, and they learn nothing about themselves (nor does their audience). To use art for emotional growth, you must let go of control. You have to allow yourself to express your emotions. Afterward, you can step back and think about what you created.
I believe this artistic/creative process should also be extended to business. Now that robots have replaced most jobs requiring efficiency, predictability, and consistency, humans acting like robots to compete with them is pointless. What businesses need from humans is emotions. Cooler heads would no longer prevail in business. We need to create a business environment that embraces public displays of emotions. We need to let ourselves be driven by our emotions and see what comes of it. Just as in art, we can then step back and think about it afterward. By maintaining an atmosphere that idealizes cooler heads, we block many creative ideas from emerging.
And I say “we” because this requires a social change. Our cultural attitudes toward emotions must change. Just as children are hopelessly affected by how their parents behave, we are all affected by how those around us behave. There is only so much we can do on our own. Because the ideal of “cooler heads” is so prevalent in our society, everyone tries to pretend. When you see two people engaged in a heated debate, you snidely mock their unbridled emotions. Those who were arguing then deny they were being so emotional. Everyone wants to be perceived as “cooler heads.” You mock unbridled emotions in others because you know you have the same tendency in yourself. By pointing your finger at others, you allow yourself to feel superior. It’s a projection. So why don’t we all stop pretending? Embrace the fact that we are all emotional creatures? Stop thinking of our emotions as undesirable and unproductive.
There is no need to encourage people to yell or cry, but we should accept these emotional expressions, not deem them inappropriate or unprofessional. Part of the reason we deem them unprofessional is that most of us have been conditioned by our parents and society to think of these emotions as “bad.” This judgment makes witnessing these emotional expressions even more disturbing and distracting. If we didn’t judge this way, seeing someone cry or yell in the office wouldn’t feel so disturbing. It’s the taboo that makes the situation worse than it needs to be.
In my experience, many conflicts arise in business because we try to deny or negate our emotions in our desperate attempt to control them. Because the atmosphere is hostile to emotional expressions, we poorly pretend to be coolheaded. Like one lie leading to more lies, one act of pretense leads to more. This ironically clouds and distorts our judgment, and we make bad decisions. We then unfairly blame our emotions for this. When not distorted, our emotions are no less rational than our thoughts, and our thoughts are no more rational than our emotions. The key to being creative is to keep them undistorted. As our factories have been taken over by robots and many repetitive tasks in offices automated by computers, we need to explore what makes humans unique and valuable. For that reason, it’s time we start taking advantage of the power and wisdom of our emotions.
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